Friday, September 19, 2008

Ode to the 80's

I am blognapping this whole post from Tiburons blog, so I must give her credit. It is totally hilarious.....

Many a valuable life lesson can be learned from watching 80's movies. Here is a list of things that I learned as an adolescent raised on 80's flicks:
1. Goonies never say die.
2. The Alamo does not have a basement.
3. Joan of Arc was not Noah's wife.
4. If you can sand, paint and wax you can become a karate master.
5. When skiing, just hurtle yourself down the mountain really fast. If something gets in your way - turn.
6. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
7. Mess with the bull and you get the horns.
8. Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
9. When diagnosed with a "brain cloud" seek second opinion.
10. Those.aren't.pillows.
11. Blaine isn't a name - it's an appliance.
12. Even in the future nothing works.
13. If you build it, they will come.
14. How to dance the African Anteater Ritual.
15. Don't buy a house built on an Indian burial ground.
16. Whatever you do, don't fall asleep.

And while we are at it, here is a list of universal truths that you should remember if you ever wake up and find yourself in a movie:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

9. During all police investigations. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.

20. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

21. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

22. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

23. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out the bills - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

25. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


Vennesa said...

I'm loving the 80's movies. I think I know all but maybe one! And the second part is hilarious and so true.

Tiburon said...

I heart you for blognapping this post :) It took me forever to write - I wanted to get it perfect. :)